Why is self-love so wrong? (Hint: It's all about YOU!)

Hint: It’s all about YOU!

Have you fallen for the self-love trap? I sure have (reluctantly raising my hand). It’s really easy to let that happen. The messages sound really nice. They are all about taking care of yourself, getting enough time for yourself so you can better take care of others. The messages start off sounding pretty good. But let’s be honest, self-love is wrong. Over time, the love yourself mantra leads to a joyless life.

Words Matter

You probably have read quite a few self-love quotes just casually scrolling social media. Maybe you even “liked” images, not thinking too much about it. But words matter and, as a follower of Christ, we can’t dismiss or ignore words that are wrong, words that lead us astray. That hasn’t served us well, especially in the last ten years.

It Begins and Ends with You

I did a quick hashtag search on instagram for #selflovequotes. Here are some of the self-love quotes that were at the top.

If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.
You are good enough.
You got this.
You can do whatever you want.
Trust yourself.
Work on you, for you.

On the surface, these sound pretty great, right? Of course it’s good for us to believe in ourselves and believe we are able to do good things. But look at the focus. Everything is about YOU! Not only does this lead to a narcissistic society, it also ranks the value you place on yourself above others. This is what naturally happens to us as we take our eyes off of Jesus and turn them back on ourselves. We end up putting our attention and priority on us.

What Exactly is Self Love?

A quick google search led me to an article in Good Housekeeping that had a great definition of self-love. Unfortunately, it also included a long list of more self-affirming quotes. Here’s the definition taken from the article.

“Self-love is the foundation and basis for all love that flows from our hearts to others.”

Sorry, but I have to disagree. Jesus should be the foundation and basis for all the love that flows from our hearts to others. Pair that with this quote from Instagram. “Affirmations help foster a stronger relationship with the person who will always have our best interest at heart – ourselves.” But this isn’t true either. The Bible tells us that our hearts can deceive us. Ask Eve how that worked out for her. Proverbs 7:25 reminds us also: “Do not let your heart turn to her ways, or stray into her paths.”

Jesus is the only one who always has our best interest at heart. Even your spouse and parents don’t share his standards. Their own heart and interests can get in the way, even when they don’t mean for them to. Proverbs has so much wisdom to teach us regarding our heart. It reminds us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” It’s easy to want to follow our heart and our desires, but in reality we need to seek God’s will in matters of the heart.

Becoming More Aware

Are you beginning to see the impact that repeating self-love affirmations could have on your faith? Now imagine the impact it has on a non-believer. Many people have sets of self-love affirmation cards that they read out loud to themselves several times a day. Secular self-help life coaches are selling their affirmation cards, along with audio downloads, so you can fill your mind with their persuasive words all day.

The sin of self-love might seem very obvious to you, but these ideas are all around us, and the self-help culture can easily creep into our Christian culture. We need a reminder of what Christ-love looks like. I know I have heard and read (more than once) that as a Christian mom, I need to take care of myself first so I can take care of my family. While I don’t think we are called to be a slave to our family, including church family, we are called to put others before ourselves. I am a firm believer in taking a nap and resting when necessary. But this idea of taking care of myself first is a slippery slope. I think it’s easy to take this idea in the wrong direction. The book “Untamed” is a heart-wrenching example of this. The author, Glennon Doyle, was a Christian blogger who went on a quest to love herself more than anything else. This is her memoir. Here is an excerpt of how Amazon describes the book.

. . . “patron saint of female empowerment” (People) Glennon explores the joy and peace we discover when we stop striving to meet others’ expectations and start trusting the voice deep within us.

Glennon’s inner voice led her to divorce her husband and marry another woman. In the book, she makes this declaration about her children. “My children do not need me to save them. My children need to watch me save myself.” You can purchase this quote as a framed piece of art! This story should grab your attention. Satan uses his lies to work his way into the hearts of believers. We need to see that WORDS MATTER.

Self-Love vs. Christ-Love

I thought it might be helpful to share a few more self-love quotes and contrast them with scriptures. They help us see how self-love is so wrong. The Bible has so much to say on this topic, but sometimes we forget.

“It’s not selfish to love yourself, to take care of yourself, or to make your happiness a priority.”

. . . love is not self-seeking.
I Corinthians 13:4

This scripture could apply to everything we have talked about, but it seems to really contrast with the above self-love quote. First Corinthians 13, known as the love chapter of the Bible, reminds us that love is putting others before ourselves.

“Be proud of your kind heart, not everyone has one.”

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Proverbs 11:2

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud, but shows favor to the humble.”
James 4:6

On first read, this self-love quote really made me angry. It’s condescending, prideful, and self-serving. Ironically, it could have been a quote from a Pharisee! We can deceive ourselves just like they did.

“Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first.”

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10

Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.”
Mark 9:35

Do you know the old acronym? JOY: Jesus First, Others Second, Yourself Last. Jesus is our example of sacrificial love, putting others before himself. This is a hard act to follow, but we should try our best to follow his lead. The person who chooses to intentionally put themself first, minus any guilt, doesn’t seem like someone you’d want for a friend or part of your family.

How Far Can It Go

As I kept looking for quotes, they seemed to get more pointed in their message. The affirmations I listed at the top are ones we tend to let slide, but here is where they lead.

“Before offering yourself to anyone, fill yourself first.”

Imagine if a new mother took up this mantra, putting her new baby’s needs behind her own need for sleep. That would lead to a very wet and hungry baby. That may seem far-fetched, but these messages are penetrating deep into people’s hearts, leading them down a scary path. As a contrast to the idea of filling yourself first: Don’t you find that when you are feeling low, the best way to get out of that mindset is to do something for someone else? I think when we help others, God helps us get perspective on our own life and situation. We are blessing someone else and God is blessing us.

In comparison to offering your time and love toward others, how about this one:

She is focusing on 3 things right now.
Herself, Her Life, and
Her Happiness.
She is Me.

Unfortunately, she is not familiar with I Corinthians 13!

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.                I Corinthians 13:4-7
                                             -The Message

One Last Comparison

Let me leave you with this last quote. I thought it would be fun to make a revision that was more fitting (see the image below). I hope you have found these comparisons helpful. Be vigilant in what your read and absorb. Ask God for wisdom to discern the things you hear, and I will be praying the same for all of us. May you stand firm against the devil’s schemes.